by Linda Phillips-Jones, Ph.D.
WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE
In an effort to be helpful, some mentors go too far. They offer to do things we believe are unwise. - Here are some examples along with what we believe are preferable steps to take.
- Investing financially in mentee's business or life pursuits
- Occasionally you may be invited by your mentee to buy something, invest in his/her business, pay his/her bills, or otherwise bring money into the relationship. Doing so in a formal mentoring partnership changes the relationship and causes a conflict of interest. In counseling this is called a "dual relationship." No longer can you be neutral and objective about the mentee's performance. He/She won't be as open with you about problems, concerns, and mistakes for fear you'll withdraw (or regret) your support. The mentee could even become inappropriately dependent upon you, something to avoid in all mentoring relationships.
Preferred response: I'm honored that you asked, AND I have to say no. I'd like to keep our relationship strictly a mentoring partnership at this time. Once our formal partnership has ended, I'd be glad to entertain a discussion about options like that. How about if we identify some other sources for you….
- "Working" for your mentee
- This is a cousin of Example 1. In this case, your mentee "hires" you (with or without pay) to do an actual work task. Examples: write his/her resume, complete a scholarship application, inventory Web-based degree programs, interview his/her fellow employees about how the mentee is performing on the job. In each of these situations, you're doing the work the mentee should be doing (or paying someone else to do).
Preferred response: I appreciate your faith in my ability to do that task. However, this is a step I'd rather not take. I prefer working behind the scenes with you and helping you do this important task yourself. I'll be very glad to give you feedback as you go along.
- Playing personal counselor
- This one can happen before you even realize it, so discuss some boundaries when you're setting up the partnership. Effective mentors don't limit their helping to work-related issues. In fact, the best mentors help mentees with their total life issues and challenges. Yet, they pay attention to "the line." They resist giving critical personal advice and counseling especially when the mentee is experiencing big psychological challenges. These can include major marital or family difficulties, drug or alcohol misuse, depression, and other potentially complex and even life-threatening situations.
Preferred response: I'm glad you mentioned ____. I care very much about you and want to support you as you deal with this. As we discussed when we set up our relationship, we may run into something I'm not an expert on. I believe this is one of those situations. How about if we talk with ______ on this and come up with a way you can get the assistance you need?
If you're in a work setting, by all means get advice from your human resources or personnel experts anytime you believe your mentee is heading into difficult areas. If you're on your own, make an anonymous call to a local or national mental health hotline or consult another expert for some guidance. - When you're starting out as a mentor, you won't always be clear about where to set your boundaries. Whenever possible, check with your program coordinator or someone else you trust to develop limits that are right for you.
3 comments:
mentor hanya kata pitching lari sikit. hehheeee.banyak2 komen mentor pun tak tau juga. hahahaaa.
ni aku nak bagi tip utk mentee pula:tapi tak banyak jus 6 je.hehee.
Six tips to connecting with a mentor.
Tip #1 – Choose someone local
In my experience, the value of having a local network is in terms of job leads, collaboration, and sales opportunities. So it helps to find someone you have a chance of meeting in-person someday.
Maybe you have endless financial resources and “local” for you means anywhere in the Msia, or anywhere in whatever country you live in. That’s cool. For me it means people in the Temerloh area, usually, or people who are deep enough into social media that they will always be attending the big blogging and social media conferences.
Tip #2 – Bring something to the table
Mentors are at the top for a reason; they surrounded themselves with talented people throughout their careers. To get a mentor you need to give him a reason to think that helping you will somehow benefit him. Otherwise, he will not make time to meet with you.
If you can’t think of a good reason to meet with someone, here’s a default: tell him you want a career like his, and that you have questions about how to pursue the same path. It’s probably true to some extent, right?
But then you also have to prove you have the potential to go all the way. Force the person to see himself in you; that’s your in. Because who doesn’t want to help someone that is where he was once?
Tip #3 – Act on advice
Your mentor will not want to mentor you if you don’t act on his advice. If he is going to make time for you, he doesn’t want to feel like his efforts are going to waste. Plus, acting on a mentor’s advice is a sign of your deep respect for him and his experience. So stop making excuses or explaining why you can’t. Just do what he says; it did work for him, didn’t it? Mentors hate “can’t.”
But before you act, make sure your mentor is giving you good advice, because that can be a problem too. And if it is, why is this person your mentor still? People can waste your time too, so don’t let them.
Tip #4 – Report back
Once you’ve taken your mentor’s advice, let him know. It shows that you can take direction and it makes him want to keep mentoring you. And then you’ll get more advice. But it’s lame to ask for more advice before you’ve acted on what you’ve already been given.
In fact, don’t report back unless you’ve acted on advice. It makes you go from “interesting mentee” to “wasting my time” very quickly. See point #3.
Tip #5 – Know the difference between a friend and a mentor
Raise your hand if you wish you were friends with Barack Obama. Even most republicans would be all over this; but realistically, you probably won’t ever be friends with Obama by contacting him out of the blue about his policies.
If you want to be friends with someone, don’t ask for advice; instead, invite him to a party, or meet up with him for drinks. And then let it be. Don’t contact him 15 hundred times afterwards for advice. Friendships develop naturally out of common interests and fun; mentor relationships develop professionally. Friendships develop out of mentor relationships too, but usually when the two become equals.
So choose which relationship you actually want before you contact someone, and expect to wait for either the advice or the camaraderie, depending on which you pick.
Tip #6 – Avoid public screw-ups at all costs
This one is by far the most important, because when you ask someone for mentoring or contact information, you are borrowing that person’s brand. Mentors with power are afraid that their mentee will do something stupid and it will reflect poorly on them also.
And honestly, of all these tips, #6 is what worries me most when I collaborate with others. The more power I get, the more guarded I become against these types of requests. And I think about how I’m nowhere near the top, and how people who really are at the top must feel. Do they worry about this too?
Haaaa kalu rajin baca le...heheheee amek ko.....hahahhaaa,kalau mcm ni aku boleh buat master tak atau phd terus ?
tokek..memartabatkan bahasa melayu..bagilah dlm melayu punye..
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